Part One: Big Wild Love Chapter 1 Self-Love with Intention “I was in a long-term relationship where marriage was just out of reach. I left him four years ago, at age 42, thinking I’d find someone else quickly. It didn’t happen. And I’ve been OBSESSED…with finding new love, weeping buckets of tears and pleading with God for help. Then, I saw your TEDx talk and decided that enough is enough. My goal, for now, is to LET GO of trying to find love with another person and love the hell out of myself instead.” --Josie, 46, New York City I had no idea when I walked into a bar with friends, on a random Friday night, that my life would change. But it did. Because that’s where I would meet Hector. Sweet, kind, loving, generous, and charismatic Hector. I was drinking coffee at the bar, feeling bored, when he came up behind me and ordered the same. “You’re drinking coffee too?” he asked, his dark eyes pierced mine. “Oh yeah,” I smiled. He was cute alright. “Would you like some more?” He motioned to the bartender. “Are you trying to get me drunk?” I asked. “More like heart palps.” Mission accomplished, I thought. He was there with friends, leaving for a two-week vacation the next day. After talking for hours, he took my number and vowed to call when he got back. I was pretty sure I’d never hear from him again. But much to my surprise, he called two weeks to the day. We met for dinner in Greektown. I’d forgotten how adorable he was: dark curly hair, olive-toned skin, perfectly aligned features. Smart and interesting, he opened doors, held chairs, paid for dinner, and loved his mother. A real gentleman, he was legitimately surprised when I kissed him at the end of our date, while we waited for the valet. I was surprised too. And yet, I felt compelled to press my lips against his; doing so left me in full tilt the entire drive home. He was the whole package. I remember asking myself how I'd stumbled upon such a Kim Kardashian diamond. Even allowed myself to wonder whether he could be “the one.” As it turned out, he would be: The one to teach me what it meant to be good. And that I deserved to be loved. He would also be the one to teach me how to, ultimately, love myself. Because I didn’t love myself going in, as evidenced by the failed relationships I’d had before him. I can see now where a lack of self-love inspired me to make less-than-ideal choices. But back then, I blamed them on either the men being cads, or on me being naïve. I even considered the idea that maybe I was destined to be alone. Self-love wasn’t even on my radar. Nobody ever taught me it mattered. To the contrary, I’d learned that winning the love of another person was the prize. That I should do whatever it took to get it, even if it meant sacrificing myself. Which I did with great duty. After all, it took me 10 years of being with Hector to confess to him that I wanted marriage—something I’d lied about for fear of turning him off. While I knew he didn’t want the same from the start, I’d secretly hoped he’d change his mind. It would take me another two years to acquiesce that he wouldn’t, even if I waited long enough. Or if I got prettier, thinner, or more lovable. Instead of hoping for more, I’d work on seeing the value in less. I had accepted what was: A loving relationship on his terms. Whenever I’d question whether that was best for me, I’d remind myself marriage was just a scrap of paper. It was a negotiation I’d have with myself, until a dying friend of both mine and Hector’s woke me up to a larger truth. “I love you and Hector…” she began. “We love you too, Mari.” I tried not to cry. Fucking cancer. “I’m not doing well, so I’m not gonna to mince words…” I could feel my heart drop. I had no clue what was coming next. “He loves you but will never give you what you want, Mija. He doesn’t want it. He told me.” Hector was indeed sweet, kind, loving, generous, and charismatic. But as it turned out, he was also unavailable. Suddenly I felt dizzy. “You’re 40 and living alone. Don’t be alone at 50. Go find him—the one who will give what you deserve.” I guessed since she couldn’t save her own life, perhaps she was trying to save mine. Her words haunted me. They gave me the courage to push the limits by suggesting Hector and I see that house. And I felt her like an angel on my shoulder, while I was breaking down in that stranger’s bathroom, finally asking THE question: Why was I holding on so tightly? It was one I couldn’t bring myself to earlier, when I was terrified of losing someone whose only crime was not wanting what I did. Maybe if he’d been more like the others—disrespectful, cold and withholding—the decision to let go would have been easier. But now, the floodgates were open. What would happen to me, if I let go? Would I be alone forever? What would I do with the shame, anger, and self-loathing I’d felt for betraying myself? How would I move forward? I’d ask these questions and others, until there were none left to ask. I didn’t have the answers, but I was ready to find them. And that made me feel oddly safe. Like no matter what happened, I’d be okay. Hector may have been the one to teach me that I deserved to be loved and how to love myself. But it wasn’t because he was the perfect boyfriend or that I stayed with him. It was because, in the end, I found out what the real issue really was. Simple, but not easy When I gave my TEDx talk, I had no idea that it would resonate with so many people around the single unifying issue that we’re staying too long in relationships that do not serve. I continue to see this play out every day in the emails I receive from women (and, by the way, men) struggling to find themselves in love. Like Christine, who stayed with her husband for 23 years to keep her family together, even though her marriage had unraveled years earlier, when he traveled every week for business and left her to raise their children alone. Or Terri, who stayed with her husband for three years, even though she was in love with a woman, because she was afraid her family and her church would never accept her as a lesbian. Then there was Joan, who stayed with her boyfriend for four years before accepting that she’d never be as important to him as his business. And Sandy, who clung to the boyfriend she’d met on vacation. He called her his “soulmate”, but then turned cold after the holiday and said he needed to get “back to reality.” In these examples and many others, each of these people had a choice. They could stay in the relationship—or tethered to the idea of it—and the belief that it might just be their only chance at love. Or, they could let go. It’s a choice we all have, when faced with a crossroads. We can hold on to a relationship that’s not giving us what we want, knowing that we’re agreeing to keep ourselves stuck. OR, we can let go and give ourselves a real chance at finding healthy love we really want. That’s it. Simple, but certainly not easy. Most people, especially those who don’t love themselves, will invariably choose to hold on to the relationship, avoiding the act of letting go at almost all costs. And those costs can be steep, including time, freedom, peace of mind, safety, the opportunity to meet the real love of their lives, morals, and even better health. For example, did you know that you are 35 percent more likely to become ill if you’re in an unhappy relationship [3]? Makes sense, if you consider that it’s often our bodies that slow us down, when we’re burning the candle at both ends, giving over too much of ourselves to other people. “We get sick because we forget to take care of ourselves when the world around us says do for me,” says Author, Psychologist, and Healer Susan Barbara Apollon. “And yet, doing for ourselves is why we’re really here. If I’m in a situation that’s not good for me, I need to pause, go inside, and explore why. I need to learn how to love myself better so I can be here most joyfully, which might mean saying ‘thanks but no thanks’ to somebody else.” And yet, too many don’t do that. Instead, they hold on to relationships that aren’t good for them because it’s too daunting to walk away. They don’t want to go through what I call the “Tunnel of Pain” (more on this later), or worse, being alone. They’re not ready to delve inward, to push past fear and insecurity on the chance that there’ll be something better waiting for them on the other side. Staying stuck seems like a gentler option, despite promising more of the same: The sense of fighting an uphill battle all the time. Of feeling less than valued. The fear of leaving, speaking up for what they want, or asking for more. The need to over-compromise, or please others at the expense of themselves. A curiosity around other people’s relationships, imagining they’re better than their own. Uncertainty whether the situation they’re in is right for them, needing constant input and reassurance. I’m not saying that all relationships are perfect all the time and that even the best of them don’t require work or encounter challenges. But most people in healthy situations don’t walk around daydreaming about what it would be like to be anywhere else with anybody else. This is what happens when you don’t love yourself enough to take a chance on what’s possible. I know. And it sucks. Still, the fact remains: Without self-love, you’ll never really feel sure in when or whether to walk away. You’ll always take whatever someone has to give, even if it’s not enough (and it usually isn’t). You’ll never believe that you deserve much or rock the boat to get it. You’ll be stressed by an overzealousness to please and co-dependency on other people for happiness and validation. And while you’ll tire of their bad behavior, you’ll also find yourself frustrated by not being able to share your true feelings. All at the expense of real intimacy. And the stories you tell yourself about what you deserve from love? Forget about it. “For a long time, I had to let go of the idea that I was unlovable,” says Denise, who’s been married to her high school sweetheart for 18 years. She says her lack of self-worth had been a problem over the years, creating conflict in her marriage. “It stood in the way of receiving the love I didn’t think I deserved. Doubt, fear, skepticism, cynicism, paranoia, you name it, I was hardwired for it. Always waiting for the other shoe to drop affected everything.” Instead of letting go, people who lack self-love do what I did for all of those years with Hector: cling to their relationship, sabotaging their efforts at healthy love by making choices to their detriment and failing to break destructive patterns. They spend their time looking for answers in other people, failing to explore who they are. The thoughts not only derail their efforts, but what they really want from love. As a result, they take whatever they can get without discretion, keeping themselves stuck, unless and until it simply becomes too unbearable (if they ever get there), and decide to give up on love altogether. Big Wild Love is key As I said at the beginning of the chapter, I learned from my time with Hector that I deserved to be loved. I was ultimately able to do this because I came to understand that the issue wasn’t because he and all the other men were immature or cads or something else, but because I didn’t love myself. And this is what people who are in a similar position can understand for themselves. Remember how I said that people who didn’t love themselves avoided letting go like the plague? Well, people who DO love themselves choose it often. That’s because they look for answers inside of themselves. They know who they are and what they want from love. They have a surety about what needs to come next, even if it’s hard or hurts, or they don’t know what’s waiting around the bend or how it will all turn out. Like leaving a relationship that’s just not working. Stepping back into the dating fray, trusting themselves to know they’re ready, to attract healthy suitors, and to make healthy decisions. Asking for what they want or need from a partner who has promise. People who love themselves know that they always have choices, and don’t attach to one “right” path. They know that no matter what the consequences, they’re not going to settle for less than they want or deserve. And that, despite whatever happens, they’ll always be okay. They believe they will be okay, and therefore they will be. And they believe this because they love themselves. And this becomes the entryway to a bigger and better life. The people I’m talking about are practicing a kind of self-love that’s different from the more generic version. The kind that promotes, for example, eating healthy foods, making time for exercise, going for a massage or a new hobby, taking a long walk, and spending time with treasured friends and community. This “feel-good” type is more about self-care than self-love. It advocates for activities that help you feel good from the outside in. And believe me. I get it. These are all great things to do and I would never recommend you avoid them. But they’re also not enough to build and sustain the foundation we need to act boldly when situations call for it or take the appropriate risks to let go for what we want. To do that, we need to radically shift how we think about loving ourselves by flipping this traditional approach on its head: instead of having us bring elements from the outside in, the brand of self-love I’m talking about has us work from the inside out. This may not always feel as good as self-care, but it moves us closer to the lives and love we’re after. After letting go of Hector, I spent many nights out with friends, getting massages, and reading magazines about how to use self-care techniques to move on from heartbreak. But I more profoundly moved myself forward by engaging in self-exploration, going inward to understand who I was, and uncovering what I believed about myself and love. I cultivated my version of the “Big Wild Love” or BWL I needed to let go for what I wanted—including a new, carefully curated relationship and life—over and over again. This is how it happened for me. And the good news is it can happen this way for you when you practice BWL yourself. BWL will have you take the more generic approach to a deeper place by adding intention. Namely, to love and understand the basics of who you are and what moves you, so you can a) find the courage and confidence to make the big and often scary moves, and b) create the sense of safety and empowerment you need to take the risks associated with letting go. Because it is, in fact, this sense of safety we get from understanding and loving ourselves that empowers us to move forward with boldness. It empowers us to take risks. After all, letting go for the things we want in life involves a great deal of risk—sometimes the biggest of our lives. And yet, if you’re not uncomfortable while doing it, chances are you’re not letting go properly. But rather, accepting, normalizing, coping, or giving up on getting what you need from a relationship instead. Which may feel easier in the moment but won’t advance your cause or get you to a better place in the long-term. Just ask Maxine, a 42-year-old yoga instructor who was raised by an alcoholic father and a passive mother who promised to leave her father but never did. At the age of 10, Maxine began begging her mother to go, until she, herself, left home at 17 to marry her first alcoholic husband. There’d be two more right behind him. She’d marry and leave them all to prove to her mother: This is how it’s done. She may have been leaving or giving up on her partners, but she wasn’t letting go of the childhood wounds that had her making the same mistakes over and over … and over. It was only when Maxine started doing the work to love and understand herself that she was ready to find healthy love. And she did. But she had to let go of the old stuff to get there. And so, too, do you. BWL allows you to find love with another person by finding love for yourself first. It’s a get-out-of-jail free card from needless suffering. After cultivating my own BWL, I went from feeling trapped to deciding that no matter what happened—whether I found someone else after Hector or I didn’t—I’d still be happy. It taught me to stop looking outside of myself for that happiness. “When I first got sick, I had to figure out what really made me happy,” says V, a 56-year-old community health advocate and blogger whose husband left her when she was told her Multiple Sclerosis had progressed to the most advanced stage. “I learned that a lot of what I was basing my life decisions on things I didn’t believe. I felt like a fraud. In order to become the person I am now, I had to face hard truths and let go of the person I was. I reinvented myself by loving myself first and foremost.” At first, V did what she could to take care of herself with gentle exercise, a special diet, and going on “self-love” dates to the museum. Her condition required some of those things, but when she set out to practice Big Wild Love, she began peeling back the very layers of who she was. That meant questioning the core values she’d held for most of her life, from her traditional Italian upbringing and conditioning as a successful businesswoman (she’d earned her first million by age 30), to her sexuality. Then she asked herself what truly made her happy and thriving. And what changes she needed to make to go from the woman she was to the woman she wanted to be. Big Wild Love gives you permission to explore—the gift of introspection, taking you off the path of what you don’t want and pointing you in the direction of what you do. It will give you the courage to let go, allowing you to catch and release blind spots or triggers before they derail your efforts so you can reverse course simply because you know doing so is what’s best for you -- and you care about that. Big time. BWL will attract other radically self-loving people to you and keep you focused on your own issues. You will be able to address those issues without wasting time trying to figure out somebody else’s motivation. BWL will never ask you to be perfect. To the contrary, it will show you that vulnerability is strength. And that the best of love is about bringing the best version of yourself to the table AND wanting the best for yourself. Because you finally believe you’re worth it. “Once you come from a self-loving heart, all things are possible,” V says. “Fear and worry leave, along with everything that makes love with another person so tortured. I didn’t know what love was until I understood what self-love meant for me. Then love became like a trampoline. I’d jump up and down, and it would always be under my feet.” Through the tunnel to the light So now that you know what BWL is and why it’s so important, how do you get it? Aha! The answer is by taking a trip through the Tunnel of Pain (TOP) I mentioned earlier. If you’ve ever suffered the ruins of love, you know this Tunnel well. It’s essentially where we go to feel the scalding hot burn of what and who just happened to us. To say it’s not fun is an understatement, which is why we avoid it like the orthodontist. The sureties? It will be dark, and we’ll be alone. There will be unnerving silence and the stench of sewer and mud. The bats and birds of our imagination will eat and peck away at us with all kinds of destroying thoughts—about ourselves, our destiny, our worth, and every injustice that’s ever been done to us since birth. As we search frantically for the exit, we will swing from one mood to the next. Walk in circles. Forget to eat, sleep, or smile. Even when we’re forced out into the world with other people, we’ll remain lost in the rough and tumble of our own thoughts, certain we will never feel better. Be found. Or be understood. We’ll not only question whether we’ll make it to the light, but whether the light actually exists. The TOP called to me like a howling, angry coyote for years, before I could muster the courage to get close. Until I had that epiphany in that stranger’s bathroom and realized that if I ever wanted to find the love I was starting to believe might not be possible, I’d have to take that first bold step inside. That meant believing a) the light DID exist, b) the love I wanted was possible, and c) I deserved it. Getting to the other side meant I actually had to believe in myself. That brought forth a new epiphany: BWL was the light. And it is for you too. Because it’s only when you know how to love yourself with an open mind and heart, and in celebration of who you are, that you can love other people in kind. Which begs the question: How to get there? By preparing yourself to take that trek and get the most out of it. And that requires the following: 1. Feel bad. Okay, so I think you get by now that the TOP is not a five-star resort. At the same time, it’s important to recognize that the pain exists for a purpose—to remind you of what you don’t want, and to serve you in getting what you do. Because shivering in the dark forces you to not only rely on but also understand the deepest parts of yourself as a way to get through it. As a result, you’ll learn a few things about who you are that you wouldn’t otherwise. It’s like going on an archeological dig of your own psyche. As you do, I warn you: you might find some things you don’t like and that’s not only okay, it’s the point. Remember the goal is not judgment but going beyond your everyday consciousness, to know yourself so you can make the internal changes needed to get the love and relationship you want on the next go around. Feeling bad is all about introspection, actualization, and ultimately, reclamation on your own terms. To get there, you’ll need to pay attention to your thoughts and what they’re telling you about who you are, using the same hyperawareness you’d have if you were actually trapped and desperate to find your way to safety. Because, for all intents and purposes, you are. And the stakes are high. After all, this business of love—and believing that you’re lovable—has broad ramifications for your life. Outdated thoughts and beliefs that linger below the surface have the power to keep you stuck for as long as you let them. We’ll talk more about this in the next chapter. 2. Accept what’s real. That means making peace with the reality of your situation. Coming out of any denial that there is hope for a relationship gone wrong when either you or the other person has made it clear there isn’t. All too often, we deny what’s right in front of us. And hold on to a picture of a life that we hoped would have happened for far too long, until we realize it won’t and that there is nothing to be salvaged by staying. Accepting what’s real also means that you understand the difference between the longer-term strategy of letting go and shorter-term strategies designed to help you survive, like the accepting, normalizing, giving up, or coping inside of a relationship. These approaches may make you feel better or safer in the moment, but they won’t ultimately get you where you want to go. The only way to do that is to be brutally honest with yourself about what’s really going on, and fully let go of whatever is standing in between you and the desired outcome. That means seeing the possibilities and probabilities for what they are, asking yourself two very important questions: Do you feel it’s possible to save your current relationship or that things will change in your favor? And then, keeping in mind that anything is possible, asking yourself if it’s probable. Journal around the answer for more insights. 3. Take an honest account of your mistakes. It’s only natural to conduct a post-mortem after a relationship ends. As you do, remember that it takes two to tango, and no one person is ever fully to blame. And that’s okay! Healthy relationships can withstand error. (A dear friend once said to me, as I was lamenting about something I’d said to a boyfriend, fearful I’d put him off: “If it’s that fragile, is it really worth it?” I never forgot her words…) What’s more important than beating yourself up for them is to own yours in particular—and not waste time spinning on mistakes made by other people. That’s not your work, it’s theirs. Instead, take your lessons so you don’t repeat them the next time at bat, knowing that every failed step out of the gate has something to teach you about who you are, what you want, and as importantly, what you don’t. Once you acknowledge your mistakes, take yourself off the hook for them. As you evolve towards greater BWL, you’ll come to see that beating yourself up for what you didn’t know or for being imperfect is a waste of time and energy. Forgiving yourself will not only free you to give and receive love without harboring any negative residual feelings from a previous relationship, but to help you to forgive others as well. “Part of finding the power to love ourselves involves being kind enough to forgive ourselves for anything and everything we’ve done that we view as not being good for either ourselves or other people,” says Apollon. “That means letting go of guilt. Saying I forgive me because I love me, that’s what unconditional love is.” Finally, give yourself the time and space you need to grieve the loss of love. Because whether you called it or your partner did, you’ll need time to experience your emotions around losing a life you had or thought you’d have and the heaviness you feel knowing it’s gone or won’t happen. Unless you do, you won’t be able to heal, which is the only way to restore wholeness and balance physically and emotionally. Allow yourself to “cut the cords,” as Apollon says, to anyone or anything that belongs to your past. Focus on what makes you happy when you look out the window and know that it’s all there, waiting for you when you’re ready. 4. Believe that you are worthy. Repeat after me: You are good enough. You are good enough. You are! Know it in the face of good loving times and bad. When someone tries to tell you otherwise. In the choices that you make. By never begging for what or who doesn’t want to stay, especially when that someone is showing signs of apathy or downright disinterest. As a Big Wild Loving person, know you always deserve more. Remember, that while you don’t need to beg for love, you also don’t need to be perfect to have it, which is impossible anyway. Nobody is perfect. You have a 100 percent failure rate here... Instead, you’re looking to be with someone who accepts you for all that you are. Start by accepting yourself first. Inherent in knowing that you deserve healthy love—where two people are equally invested in the relationship, compromising, and committed to loving and honoring one another—is trusting your instincts. Because you believe what they’re telling you. After all, we have them for a reason—to alert us when there is danger and to keep us safe from it. As part of that, it’s also important to listen to your own voice above all others, especially when it comes to matters of the heart. You do know best. You have the answers, you just don’t always listen to what your gut is telling you, letting other people’s voices and expectations create doubt and override what you know to be true. Instead, let your own desires, thoughts, and ideas dictate your actions and beliefs about yourself. 5. Know that no matter what happens, you’ll be okay. This is really where the rubber of BWL hits the road, because it keeps you grounded in the fact that you will be okay, no matter what: Because you’ve got you. When I let go of Hector and was going through the tunnel, I came to learn that unless and until I could be happy on my own—by loving, understanding, and trusting myself--I might never make the right, best decisions in love. Instead, fear and desperation would become my North Star. I had to learn, just like you do, that to get the love we want, we have to let go of the idea that it’s promised, that it will show up when we want it, and most importantly, that we need it to be whole. We don’t. We can choose to be whole on our own whenever we want by making ourselves the very best loves of our lives. The funny thing is that once we truly believe and feel that, love with another person comes. When we least expect it. You’ve heard that, yes? Truth bomb. As you move through the TOP, remember to get help if you need it. After all, even the best spelunkers in the world need the right tools and guides to help them navigate tricky terrain. I believe asking for help is the true meaning of life (along with having good credit). Strong, Big Wild Loving people do this. Be one of them. Lastly, know that as you make your way through the Tunnel, you may be tempted to turn around at some point. Because it’s hard. Resist. Please. While the pull for relief may be strong—and you may want to revert back to that generic version of self-love to distract yourself—stay focused. Engage in self-care, sure. But don’t let it replace the work you’re doing in the darkness. Stay the course until you’re done. Keep your eyes forward and your feet moving. Promise yourself that you’ll go the distance. That you’ll allow yourself to feel every lump, bump, and scrape in that Tunnel until you’ve hit the buried treasure inside of yourself—the gold that will give you the answers you need to finally win at love. This is how BWL happens. And once you’ve got it, it will also be there to ground you and give you the sense of safety you need to act boldly and let go for the right kind of love. Two-Day Relationship Detox: A plan for BWL Now that I’ve gone over the five ways to begin cultivating Big Wild Love, here’s a great way to get started putting these principles into action. If you’re in a relationship and not sure where you want things to go, this two-day relationship detox will yield important insights that will help you in decide whether to stay and work things out, or fully let go. Day 1 will call upon you to continue cultivating BWL by engaging in the generic self-love, pampering yourself and feeling good. That’s because self-care and self-love are extremely synchronous in the context of this experience, as you’ll soon find out. It’s also about unwinding, embracing the quiet, taking space away from the day-to-day grind, and listening to create the optimal conditions for epiphany, which will offer you the truth and clarity you need to move forward. On day 2, you’ll go deeper, asking and answering questions you may have never addressed before or thought about in the same way you will after gaining the clarity that comes from a day of self-care and distance from daily life. Plan to do the detox when you have a 48-hour block of time, which you may need to carve out with intention. Then, for the detox to be most powerful, find your way to neutral ground (e.g., an Airbnb or house-sit for a friend) since new surroundings often lead to important new insights. You also want to bring provisions, including a journal or notebook, comfortable clothes for relaxing and light exercise, a good read or art supplies, or whatever will help you relax. I’d also bring a bag of healthy groceries because eating a healthy diet (while a glass or two of wine at night may be fine, leave the Oreos and soda at home) will give you the energy and focus you need to use this time most productively. Once you’re ready to get started, consider that the detox is already organized for you and well timed; the schedule assumes that you’ll be at your destination at the start and not still traveling to it. Plan to spend the time alone and uninterrupted. Let friends, family, and anybody else who may look for you that, unless there’s an emergency, you’ll be unavailable. Lastly, consider the schedule a blueprint for how to spend the time, but feel free to find pacing that feels right for you. Okay, ready to get started? I’m excited for you. Here you go: Day 1 8:00 a.m. Do three pages of longhand, stream of consciousness writing. Don’t worry about grammar or it being good. Just keep your hand moving on the page, putting down anything and everything that crosses your mind–for your eyes only. The goal is to provoke, clarify, comfort, cajole, prioritize and synchronize the day at hand. Don’t overthink it. 8:45 a.m. Have a healthy breakfast, or whatever is your morning ritual and prepare for the day. 10:00 Meditate. 10:30 Go for a gentle walk, do yoga, stretch, or some light form of exercise...